I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
