Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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