so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Buhtt sex?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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