I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
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I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
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I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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