So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
