I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
