Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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