i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
