smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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