yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
