ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
