How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
