took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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