she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
