Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
