I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
