The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
