Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
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I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
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Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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