when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
