I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
