i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
