i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
