I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
