why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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