he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize