only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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