You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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