Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
