....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
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The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
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Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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