and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
