True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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