can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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