please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
