You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Farmville is her only friend.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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