How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I am spending my child support on dildos
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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