I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
