cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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