My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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