i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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