I cannot find my penis.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
