The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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