i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
