I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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