after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
