i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
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