you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
