her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
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nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
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No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.