i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
