Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
