Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My feet surprised me
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
