Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
