pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
