gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
