somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
