there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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