I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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