im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
